Hey guys. I want to sit down and type a little confession to you all. Every year, around this time, there is Fanime. I know, I know. A lot of you already get the fact that this is during Memorial Day Weekend and that I always attend it. The thing is though that every year I have all these cosplays I want to do and show off to people and every time, weeks in advance, I hate on myself. I tell myself I am ugly, I shouldn't wear this or that because people will not think I look as good at the size 4 wearing the same thing. Its true, sadly, but I have to stop thinking that. I have to stop talking down to myself and it is hard. Its hard to make yourself change like that. I do and wear things that make me feel beautiful and I love dressing in cosplay and getting photos taken. I adore it. I /am/ narcissistic and because of that I feel the need to always look good. Especially in photos. I get convention anxiety and panic that I wont look good in photos even when I look in a mirror and I feel so confident. Its horrible.
I cried earlier tonight about it. I worked so hard on Black Cat and now I am even second guessing wearing her. Im not a size 4. 6, 8. Not even a size 12. I am a size 14. I am a plus sized cosplayer and a lot of girls get hated on in the community because of it [Which is stupid. We should all support each other]. I know I look good, and I do look good, but the fact that I am not that typical look that so many popular cosplayers have, that body, I feel.. Ugly. I put my Black Cat on earlier with the mask [Which just came in the mail! Yay!] and I felt amazing and empowered and then I thought to myself, "I can't wear this. There are always skinner Black Cats and I dont want to embarrass myself at Fanime by being compared to them." Its horrible of me and I just broke down crying all over the latex with the feathers [Not fur.. Too expensive] that I had newly attached to the outfit.
So, while crying and whatnot, I decided to watch some Uta No Prince-Sama. That helped. It made me smile. Then I started browsing Tumblr. I came across a page [[link]
that I just instantly starting crying over. These..Girls and women don't care about how their body is shaped. They cosplay because it is what they love to do and they have amazing outfits to boot. I scrolled through tons of pages and saw so many different cosplays. Some revealing, some more conservative, but they did what they wanted to do and not worry about being embarrassed. With every scroll I thought to myself, "I can do this. If they can, I can. I love to cosplay and I have to start doing it for me, not other people." And its true. I wear only the cosplays I think are deemable to wear on my body. Black Cat is the first one I am taking a risk on and gawd damnit I am going to take it. I want to cosplay her and I have wanted to cosplay her since 2010 and damnit now that I have everything I sure as hell will wear it! I will wear it for myself because I worked hard on her, collected pieces, bought things! Why let it go to waste and just sit there and then regret it?
Through all of this I even second guessed Velma which made me hate myself beyond belief. I have never, ever second guessed her. I have worn her more than any other cosplay I own and to look in the mirror and second guess myself was a stab through my own heart. I make a fucking fantastic Velma and I am taking her with me too! My secret cosplay will be arriving soon and I am wearing that as well! I am wearing every damn thing on my cosplay line-up! No more thinking about what other people will see and think of me. SOMEONE out there will love my cosplay and if they don't then screw them. My hard work is my hard work and I am damn proud of it.
That is all. Sorry for the huge rant, but I wanted to be open and honest about what I was feeling earlier with you guys. You all support me. Let it be because of my tits or because of my actual cosplay ability and skills. I dont care. Support is support and I thank you all very much. I know I dont update as much as I used to, but that is because life has gotten in the way. I need to do more updates, I know, and I will try harder at that. I can always be found on Tumblr: allykitty.tumblr.com. I update on there more than I have been on DA lately, but convention time and that means photos. :3 And I have a photoshoot again this year with my friend Jace which I am looking forward to. He is the one who did my Velma photoshoot last year. Yay! So..Yeah! Look forward to things!